Ex Girlfriend Is Afraid Ill Break Up Again

Why getting back with an ex is so compelling

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Y'all broke up, for expert reasons. Then why do so many former couples reunite further down the line?

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Earlier this summer, 17 years later on they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got dorsum together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike can't expect abroad.

Just perhaps the near relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what'due south otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes establish honey over again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality can be negative – i filled with cautionary tales and former partners who can't take a hint. But rebuilding a relationship can also be a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, particularly when the success stories audio like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who break upwardly and get back together is as high as fifty%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this procedure for some: amidst a global health crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people plant themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to discover that onetime spark.

Experts say that, if both former partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if you're willing to put in a lot of work, and accept an open mind.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-entering a former relationship is that you lot mostly know what you're getting into. "At that place tin be some existent advantages to actually knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a attempt again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Establish, an organisation that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic human relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible disharmonize, similar navigating a shared living space, money, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Even happy couples accept them, since a relationship is ever fundamentally ii dissimilar people with unlike personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex tin can atomic number 82 to a fairy-tale happy ending, merely merely if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make upward 69% of the problems near couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, slow-burning issues are the real relationship poison – not big, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Most marriages or relationships end by water ice instead of burn down," says McNulty. Some couples "find it too hard to talk about or work on differences around key bug. They often abound more than distant, and [get] more like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may want to get dorsum together with an former partner, or to effort and stick it out with their current one. Because while we often go into a new relationship expecting it'll be better than the last, McNulty urges some caution: "If yous're in a relationship and you're thinking about leaving, be conscientious, considering you lot're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with one partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

And so if you get back with an ex, you at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel similar less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and teaching at Teachers Higher, Columbia University, in New York City. For some people, it feels "better to go back to someone that you kind of know something about, than someone yous don't know anything virtually".

Jubilant what's inverse

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's changed in the fourth dimension you lot've spent apart. You may exist disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because you're non aware of how they might accept grown and changed in a positive way over time. With an ex, you lot get more of a before-and-subsequently snapshot. Kuriansky says one of the most mutual reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women's networking organisation called FemCity, who's spoken publicly about how she remarried her ex-hubby of 20 years in 2019. "When we started to appointment again, it was nice considering nosotros knew each other, simply sure elements of the states had changed," she says. "Nosotros both worked on areas we needed to work on while apart, and we were in many means 'new' to ane another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved fabricated reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the break-upwards," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to become me thoughtful gifts, and will now end randomly and share his honey for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time around."

Conversely, if you've spent a long time away from someone, get back together and discover that y'all autumn into the same toxic patterns as before with that person, that knowledge can be advantageous, besides. Sensing that yous're going to run into the same headaches all over over again could give you the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people experience like, 'oh gosh, mayhap I can work through that gridlock consequence we had'," says McNulty. But he stresses the key is "people demand to know what their irreconcilable issues were before, and actually accept an honest look at whether or not everything'southward different now".

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for anybody, relationship experts say, just the familiarity that exists can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sex'

Earlier y'all offset sliding into your ex'southward DMs, ask yourself why you lot're doing it – because enough can go wrong.

While one of the joys of getting back with an ex is the condolement or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort tin can exist misplaced, specially lately as we seem to live amongst constant chaos. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University'southward Kinsey Institute, which studies sex activity and relationships, suggested that as many as one in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call it 'apocalyptic dear and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'in that location own't no tomorrow, then I better settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it's common for people to reconnect with by lovers due to "the sense at that place could not be a tomorrow – now with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a country of Armageddon", so they want to go back to a person who at ane fourth dimension provided love and security.

Have a hard look at why you're reaching out to an former flame. Is it because yous're trying to serenity anxiety from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an old flame, and not because you really miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very existent effort of making it work? If it'south the latter, take that as a crimson flag.

Kuriansky besides advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the relationship ended badly. Merely the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they tin can bring yous back down to Earth and remind yous why the human relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people'due south opinions. Most people will say, 'What? Yous're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring upwardly all those memories, so how are you going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be set to face up those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, but with your ex themselves, which can be the hardest part. "That is one piece that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the past in the past," says de Ayala. "There is so much history that can exist dragged up, but at that place has to exist a mutual agreement that from here forward, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what will carry the relationship farther into the time to come, she says.

Many of u.s.a. may detect ourselves longing for a lost dearest. If nosotros go about it in a realistic, healthy way, it could, possibly, work out – if both people are on the aforementioned folio.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

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